Rock-A-Bye Baby

Adi is sick.  She has had some sort of stomach virus that's caused diarrhea the past couple days and it has led to a yeast infection.  Every diaper change is filled with screaming and crying.  I'm not allowed to use wipes, I'm supposed to rinse her in the sink and then air dry.  Then I have to put on 3 different ointments.

During the day this isn't too much of a hassle.  But diarrhea is uncontrollable which means there have been night time diaper changes, something we haven't done in a very long time.  And as the stay-at-home mom, night shifts are my responsibility.  Daddy needs to rest up for work.

Now typically I don't mind night shift.  It usually means once a night I get up and comfort Adi back to sleep.  ONCE a night.  With the sickness it's been 2 or 3 times a night, and at least one of those is a diaper change followed by 30 minutes of calming Adi back down and rocking her back to sleep.

This is the first time I've hated having to put her back to sleep.  It's even rougher than it was in the beginning.  At least then we were using a co-sleeper and she was right next to me.  Now tending to my daughter means I actually have to GET UP.

But I do it.  People say that I'm crazy, that I should let her cry herself back to sleep and learn to self-soothe but as a Dr. Sears following momma I just can't do that.  I am 100% against the idea of convenience parenting and a firm believer in attachment parenting.  That's part of the reason this experiement even exists.

My child shouldn't be something else I schedule into my day.  Adi is my world, my life revolves around her not the other way around.  You see as an attachment parent, I believe in catering to my daughters needs.  If that means she has to be rocked to sleep instead of being put down awake I'm okay with that.  Part of parenting is sacrifice and I don't mind sacrificing a few minutes of sleep to make sure my daughter is comfortable and loved.

But with her being sick, the sacrifice has gone from a few minutes to a few hours.  Anyone who knows me knows I'm not very lovable when I'm tired.  So being a loving support for my daughter is really difficult when she's screaming at me at 3 in the morning.  So how do I solve this dilemma?

Well hopefully Adi will be feeling better soon.  But thankfully, I have an understanding husband who had been helping out in the mornings.  When he and Adi wake up at 7 he changes her diaper, and takes her into the bathroom with him (she plays in the exersaucer while he gets ready) that way I can get an extra hour or so of sleep.  It may not be the most efficient method, but right now it makes everyone feel loved.

And really isn't that all that matters when it comes to family?

It's So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday

My GBFF, Devin, leaves tomorrow morning for New York. Devin and I have been inseparably close since we first met at the beginning of College in 2006.  He has been my closest friend for the past 4 years (well until my husband came along).  He's the Will to my Grace.

Devin and me (8 months pregnant) on my birthday last year.

And now, he's moving away.  Continuing the dream that we had both shared.  When I first met Devin we talked about moving to New York after graduation to pursue careers in Magazines.  I wanted to work for Vanity Fair, he was going to work for Entertainment Weekly.  We could live together and enjoy the awesomeness that is New York: fashion, food, broadway, etc.

But instead, I'm living the suburban housewife life in Chandler, AZ.  I love my husband and daughter, and I don't have any regrets about how my life has gone, but part of me does wish I could have spent sometime in New York.

I went out with Devin on Saturday, our last night out together on Mill. It was not just a last hurrah with Devin it was also a last hurrah to my going-out life.  I've only been out in Tempe a few nights, something a tad unusual for an ASU student.

I was pregnant on my 21st birthday, and I felt too guilty leaving my daughter to ever go out.  This past Saturday was only my third time on Mill.  Even so I could tell that it would more than likely be my last, at least for awhile.

Leaving my husband to go out is not something I enjoy doing.  And going out to bars and clubs is not something my husband likes doing.  Now that I live in Chandler, going out to Tempe or Scottsdale is not only too far a drive it seems a bit immature.

So, this may be more than a goodbye to my best friend, this might also be a final farewell to the old me.  Does that mean I'm fully going to transform into the everyday soccer mom? Heck no! But maybe clubbing isn't part of who I am anymore.  Maybe it was never part of who I was.  Maybe my nights out are meant for something more.

I don't know what that might be, but I'm definitely open to it.

God Bless the American Housewife

So, I don't think I'm cut out for this housewife thing.  I love the mom part of stay-at-home, that's easy.  Loving my daughter is simple task.  Taking care of her might be difficult but I enjoy it, it's part of why I know I want to become a preschool teacher, I love children especially at this age.

But the other assumed responsibilities of staying at home are starting to get to me.  I have never been, nor do I claim to be, a clean person.  For anyone who watches Grey's Anatomy I am in many ways Christina Yang.  I am a determined, obsessive, competitive, know-it-all slob.  I don't really do much other than laundry (which I paid my roommates to do for me the first 2 years I was in college) and load dishes into a dishwasher.  But now that I live in a house with my husband and spend most of my days watching reruns of Grey's, certain things are expected.

We just moved into our new home a week and a half ago.  There is still a lot of things to unpack and get in order but my energy is so low and my motivation to do housework is so low that I am nowhere near being finished.

My television intake has increased tremendously, it's hard for me to get anything accomplished.  Plus chasing my now mobile 10 month old around (she just turned 10 months today) makes it impossible to work while she's awake.  And the thin walls make it extremely difficult to work while she's asleep.  I can't imagine doing this for the rest of my life.

I can't imagine the women who stay-at-home with multiple children.  Just caring for my daughter and trying to actually clean is more exhausting than any of the semesters where I took 21 credit hours.  I'm not sure how long this experiment can last.  I'm already starting to go crazy.

I'm a social being.  I miss people, I miss talking and gossiping, and doing stuff.  I talk to my daughter but the conversation is definitely one-sided, I miss interactions.  My husband would do a better job at this, he hates having to talk to people.  Maybe he should be the one in this experiment.  But for now, it's my task, even if it is the hardest task I've ever had to do.

Today is the First Day of the Rest of My Life

Today is the first day that I have felt like an adult.  My daughter will be 10 months on Thursday and I've been married for a little over 7 months, but I have not felt like an adult until today.

You see, as of today I am officially a college graduate.  I no longer have any courses or coursework to complete.  My final exam was on Saturday and since I have already walked (in May) I am officially a graduate.  I now live in a house (albeit a rental) with my husband and daughter.  And I am of legal age to drink (I'll be 22 in a month).  So today, I feel like an adult.

Though, I must clarify that I don't feel grown up.  I still love playing Wii and watching Spongebob Squarepants with my husband; I adore Dave and Buster's, aka adult Chuck E. Cheese; and I still love Disney movies with all my soul (even though the feminist in me despises them, my thesis was on the hegemony of Disney princesses).  So I am by no means a grown up, but I don't feel like a child anymore.

Living in Chandler, however, seems to remind me of how young I really am.  Many of the women I see here are in their 30s or 40s with 3 or more children.  We met a couple at church yesterday with 7 children!

I feel like I'm playing catch up with my one daughter to their multiples.  And though I love being a young mommy and a self-declaring MILF, I feel like I'm not fully respected as a mom because of my age.  Sure I still wear stilettos when pushing my stroller and maybe my dresses aren't always mom appropriate (especially when you have to bend down and set up the stroller or pick something up that baby has dropped) but I don't think that negates my validity as a mother.

I'm a young mom.  I was pregnant on my 21st birthday, and while I'm not much of a drinker, I still want to live out my 20s with the same youth and excitement as my other friends.  Just because I'm a mother doesn't make me OLD.

I refuse to conform to what society views is an "ideal mother." I put my daughter first, I love her more than myself, and I have definitely made sacrifices in my life to provide for her.  Just because I don't want to give up my dreams as well doesn't make me a bad mother.

I'm not saying that I'm going to put all my needs before my daughter, if that were the case this experiment wouldn't even exist and I'd be working instead of doing laundry and blogging right now.  All I'm saying is that maybe not every mother has to rock mom jeans and a soccer bob haircut.

"For this Mother's Day, don't give Mom that bottle of perfume. Give her something that says, 'I'm not a woman anymore. I'm a mom!'" - Saturday Night Live

So today I feel like an adult...and while that might not be enough for Society, it's sure as heck enough for Adi and I.