Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Thursday, September 9, 2010
I'm Going Crazy
Sorry for the short post the other day. We were on vacation and I only had a short break to go online.
This past weekend we went up to Prescott, AZ to visit my husband's family for Labor Day weekend. We didn't get home until 1 AM Monday night/Tuesday morning. By the time we left Prescott, my fuse was completely gone. The whole ride home I just anticipated getting home and getting away from my in-laws.
I don't have bad in-laws, in fact I consider myself pretty lucky in that aspect. They were extremely supportive when we told them I was pregnant. They have always been loving. But the more I get to know them, the less I like them and the more annoyed I get. Not all of my husbands family are annoying. I'm very fond of his brother and very happy with a few of the cousins I've inherited. But lately the rest of my husbands immediate family have been driving me nuts.
I'll start with the least problematic - my mother-in-law. Ann is an awesome MIL and I have been blessed to have her as my family. We get along, I love having a MIL that I can talk to and go shopping with. In the land of MILs I am lucky. The only problem I really have is that sometimes she tries too hard.
I'll give an example.
I have to explain first that I am a neurotic person. I tend to have OCD-type habits and I need things done a certain way. When they aren't done my way i have a anxiety attack. One of my compulsions is about Adi's clothes. I refuse to take off the tags and wash them until she is wearing that particular size. Currently Adi is wearing 12 months meaning any 18 month clothing still has tags and are sitting on the same hangers they came on. When we went up this weekend Ann had bought Adi some new outfits. They were mainly size 18 month. Ann asked me if I wanted her to wash them and I said no that they were fine since she won't be wearing them for a couple months.
I woke up on Monday morning to find that Ann had ignored my response and had washed all the clothes anyways. Not only that but she washed them in regular detergent because she doesn't have free detergent. So not only do I have a panic attack but I'm going to have to rewash them anyways. I know it's not Ann's fault. She just wants to be helpful and I think she is trying to compete with my mother.
That's partly because my mother is a natural care taker. She is a great cooker, an obsessive cleaner, and extremely helpful. I love my MIL but she doesn't really share these qualities. She's not the best cook, a bit of a hoarder, and can be a bit selfish. Still she tries to seem like the ideal mother/grandmother. This almost compulsive need to help can drive me nuts when presented in large amounts. Sometimes it can be a bit much for me to handle.
The other lesser evil is my sister-in-law Ariel. I'm practically an only child. I have two half sisters that are older but I've lived alone most of my life. I have no experience with younger siblings except my nephew who is the same age but more importantly is a BOY. She's 15 years old and filled with crazy amounts of hormones. Her drama fills the air any where she is and I'm reminded of high school. Normally this is fine but lately she has gotten out of control.
You see my 15-year-old SIL is sleeping with a 23-year-old air force officer. She's been lying to everyone about it and the truth is just starting to come out. It's been a dramatastic, ulcer-giving shit fest to say the least. And it's completely damaged the relationship I had previously forged with her. I question everything she says wondering whether it's the truth or not. I never enjoy conversations with her. The mixture of hormones and drama makes it impossible for me to be around her without getting extremely annoyed. I hate having to fake relationships and that's what vie been having to do with her.
Now my MIL and SIL have been hard to handle but I still love them greatly. My father-in-law is a completely different story. When I first met Steve he seemed nice enough though he was usually gone when we would visit Prescott. You see he travels for about 40% of his job and works at home for the rest.
Before I became pregnant and before getting married I had hoped to become a lawyer. I have always been an ambitious and hardworking person and my love of debate made law the ideal fit. Me becoming a lawyer impressed Steve. He respected my ambition and we were able to have intelligent conversations. Since deciding to become a teacher everything had changed. Steve now has little if any respect for me. It's as if choosing my family over fortune were a bad thing. I often times hold fake arguments with him in my head where I yell that at least I love my family enough to want to be around - a stab at him for always being gone.
He has always made comments about my upbringing, calling me spoiled or privileged. It's not only an attack of my character but an attack of my parents' as well. I want to scream at him, I want to say you can judge my parents all you want but I was a 4.0 student who not only went to college but got a full ride and graduated magna cum laude while you've raised 3 average children, 2 of whom went to community college because they couldn't get into a university straight out of high school and who had all lost their virginity before they were 14 while I have only slept with my husband. So you really think that your parenting methods are better?! That's a laugh.
The more I'm around my FIL the more I dislike him. I now walk the thin line of disdain and hate. I hate being around him and most of me sarcastic "jokes" are really attacks toward him out of that disdain. He makes me not want to visit Prescott and makes it harder for me to deal with the issues my MIL and SIL present. It's rough.
I've been struggling with most of this internally because I've been scared to criticize my in-laws to my husband. But this past experience has made it impossible for me to remain silent anymore. I'm going crazy. Thankfully he's always on my side. It's great to know he has my back even when it's against his family.
I want to get this worked out. I don't want to be that wife who can't get along with her in-laws. I know it's not entirely their fault but it's not just me either. It's going to be a serious struggle but it's important.
Wish me luck.
This past weekend we went up to Prescott, AZ to visit my husband's family for Labor Day weekend. We didn't get home until 1 AM Monday night/Tuesday morning. By the time we left Prescott, my fuse was completely gone. The whole ride home I just anticipated getting home and getting away from my in-laws.
I don't have bad in-laws, in fact I consider myself pretty lucky in that aspect. They were extremely supportive when we told them I was pregnant. They have always been loving. But the more I get to know them, the less I like them and the more annoyed I get. Not all of my husbands family are annoying. I'm very fond of his brother and very happy with a few of the cousins I've inherited. But lately the rest of my husbands immediate family have been driving me nuts.
I'll start with the least problematic - my mother-in-law. Ann is an awesome MIL and I have been blessed to have her as my family. We get along, I love having a MIL that I can talk to and go shopping with. In the land of MILs I am lucky. The only problem I really have is that sometimes she tries too hard.
I'll give an example.
I have to explain first that I am a neurotic person. I tend to have OCD-type habits and I need things done a certain way. When they aren't done my way i have a anxiety attack. One of my compulsions is about Adi's clothes. I refuse to take off the tags and wash them until she is wearing that particular size. Currently Adi is wearing 12 months meaning any 18 month clothing still has tags and are sitting on the same hangers they came on. When we went up this weekend Ann had bought Adi some new outfits. They were mainly size 18 month. Ann asked me if I wanted her to wash them and I said no that they were fine since she won't be wearing them for a couple months.
I woke up on Monday morning to find that Ann had ignored my response and had washed all the clothes anyways. Not only that but she washed them in regular detergent because she doesn't have free detergent. So not only do I have a panic attack but I'm going to have to rewash them anyways. I know it's not Ann's fault. She just wants to be helpful and I think she is trying to compete with my mother.
That's partly because my mother is a natural care taker. She is a great cooker, an obsessive cleaner, and extremely helpful. I love my MIL but she doesn't really share these qualities. She's not the best cook, a bit of a hoarder, and can be a bit selfish. Still she tries to seem like the ideal mother/grandmother. This almost compulsive need to help can drive me nuts when presented in large amounts. Sometimes it can be a bit much for me to handle.
The other lesser evil is my sister-in-law Ariel. I'm practically an only child. I have two half sisters that are older but I've lived alone most of my life. I have no experience with younger siblings except my nephew who is the same age but more importantly is a BOY. She's 15 years old and filled with crazy amounts of hormones. Her drama fills the air any where she is and I'm reminded of high school. Normally this is fine but lately she has gotten out of control.
You see my 15-year-old SIL is sleeping with a 23-year-old air force officer. She's been lying to everyone about it and the truth is just starting to come out. It's been a dramatastic, ulcer-giving shit fest to say the least. And it's completely damaged the relationship I had previously forged with her. I question everything she says wondering whether it's the truth or not. I never enjoy conversations with her. The mixture of hormones and drama makes it impossible for me to be around her without getting extremely annoyed. I hate having to fake relationships and that's what vie been having to do with her.
Now my MIL and SIL have been hard to handle but I still love them greatly. My father-in-law is a completely different story. When I first met Steve he seemed nice enough though he was usually gone when we would visit Prescott. You see he travels for about 40% of his job and works at home for the rest.
Before I became pregnant and before getting married I had hoped to become a lawyer. I have always been an ambitious and hardworking person and my love of debate made law the ideal fit. Me becoming a lawyer impressed Steve. He respected my ambition and we were able to have intelligent conversations. Since deciding to become a teacher everything had changed. Steve now has little if any respect for me. It's as if choosing my family over fortune were a bad thing. I often times hold fake arguments with him in my head where I yell that at least I love my family enough to want to be around - a stab at him for always being gone.
He has always made comments about my upbringing, calling me spoiled or privileged. It's not only an attack of my character but an attack of my parents' as well. I want to scream at him, I want to say you can judge my parents all you want but I was a 4.0 student who not only went to college but got a full ride and graduated magna cum laude while you've raised 3 average children, 2 of whom went to community college because they couldn't get into a university straight out of high school and who had all lost their virginity before they were 14 while I have only slept with my husband. So you really think that your parenting methods are better?! That's a laugh.
The more I'm around my FIL the more I dislike him. I now walk the thin line of disdain and hate. I hate being around him and most of me sarcastic "jokes" are really attacks toward him out of that disdain. He makes me not want to visit Prescott and makes it harder for me to deal with the issues my MIL and SIL present. It's rough.
I've been struggling with most of this internally because I've been scared to criticize my in-laws to my husband. But this past experience has made it impossible for me to remain silent anymore. I'm going crazy. Thankfully he's always on my side. It's great to know he has my back even when it's against his family.
I want to get this worked out. I don't want to be that wife who can't get along with her in-laws. I know it's not entirely their fault but it's not just me either. It's going to be a serious struggle but it's important.
Wish me luck.
Monday, September 6, 2010
I'm Moving On
It's been a month since I've posted anything. I've been busy and overwhelmed and while a million ideas for this blog have come to mind I haven't found any time to actually write them down. We've finally settled into our new home, I started my master's program which has been a bit overwhelming, and I've decided to look for a job a funds have begun to be a bit tight.
That doesn't mean the experiment is over. The mom experiment will never be over. No, it just means instead of being a stay at home experiment, I'm taking on a working mom experiment. Balancing the regret and guilt of leaving Adi with my financial and social need to work.
This is a short post. I just wanted to update anyone who might be reading out there the new changes in my life. Hopefully I'll be getting a job soon and will have many more updates in the future. Wish me luck.
Oh. P.S. Adi got her ears pierced!
That doesn't mean the experiment is over. The mom experiment will never be over. No, it just means instead of being a stay at home experiment, I'm taking on a working mom experiment. Balancing the regret and guilt of leaving Adi with my financial and social need to work.
This is a short post. I just wanted to update anyone who might be reading out there the new changes in my life. Hopefully I'll be getting a job soon and will have many more updates in the future. Wish me luck.
Oh. P.S. Adi got her ears pierced!
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| Adiana enjoys an ice cream cone after being a good sport and getting her ears pierced. Don't they look cute! |
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Rock-A-Bye Baby
Adi is sick. She has had some sort of stomach virus that's caused diarrhea the past couple days and it has led to a yeast infection. Every diaper change is filled with screaming and crying. I'm not allowed to use wipes, I'm supposed to rinse her in the sink and then air dry. Then I have to put on 3 different ointments.
During the day this isn't too much of a hassle. But diarrhea is uncontrollable which means there have been night time diaper changes, something we haven't done in a very long time. And as the stay-at-home mom, night shifts are my responsibility. Daddy needs to rest up for work.
Now typically I don't mind night shift. It usually means once a night I get up and comfort Adi back to sleep. ONCE a night. With the sickness it's been 2 or 3 times a night, and at least one of those is a diaper change followed by 30 minutes of calming Adi back down and rocking her back to sleep.
This is the first time I've hated having to put her back to sleep. It's even rougher than it was in the beginning. At least then we were using a co-sleeper and she was right next to me. Now tending to my daughter means I actually have to GET UP.
But I do it. People say that I'm crazy, that I should let her cry herself back to sleep and learn to self-soothe but as a Dr. Sears following momma I just can't do that. I am 100% against the idea of convenience parenting and a firm believer in attachment parenting. That's part of the reason this experiement even exists.
My child shouldn't be something else I schedule into my day. Adi is my world, my life revolves around her not the other way around. You see as an attachment parent, I believe in catering to my daughters needs. If that means she has to be rocked to sleep instead of being put down awake I'm okay with that. Part of parenting is sacrifice and I don't mind sacrificing a few minutes of sleep to make sure my daughter is comfortable and loved.
But with her being sick, the sacrifice has gone from a few minutes to a few hours. Anyone who knows me knows I'm not very lovable when I'm tired. So being a loving support for my daughter is really difficult when she's screaming at me at 3 in the morning. So how do I solve this dilemma?
Well hopefully Adi will be feeling better soon. But thankfully, I have an understanding husband who had been helping out in the mornings. When he and Adi wake up at 7 he changes her diaper, and takes her into the bathroom with him (she plays in the exersaucer while he gets ready) that way I can get an extra hour or so of sleep. It may not be the most efficient method, but right now it makes everyone feel loved.
And really isn't that all that matters when it comes to family?
During the day this isn't too much of a hassle. But diarrhea is uncontrollable which means there have been night time diaper changes, something we haven't done in a very long time. And as the stay-at-home mom, night shifts are my responsibility. Daddy needs to rest up for work.
Now typically I don't mind night shift. It usually means once a night I get up and comfort Adi back to sleep. ONCE a night. With the sickness it's been 2 or 3 times a night, and at least one of those is a diaper change followed by 30 minutes of calming Adi back down and rocking her back to sleep.
This is the first time I've hated having to put her back to sleep. It's even rougher than it was in the beginning. At least then we were using a co-sleeper and she was right next to me. Now tending to my daughter means I actually have to GET UP.
But I do it. People say that I'm crazy, that I should let her cry herself back to sleep and learn to self-soothe but as a Dr. Sears following momma I just can't do that. I am 100% against the idea of convenience parenting and a firm believer in attachment parenting. That's part of the reason this experiement even exists.
My child shouldn't be something else I schedule into my day. Adi is my world, my life revolves around her not the other way around. You see as an attachment parent, I believe in catering to my daughters needs. If that means she has to be rocked to sleep instead of being put down awake I'm okay with that. Part of parenting is sacrifice and I don't mind sacrificing a few minutes of sleep to make sure my daughter is comfortable and loved.
But with her being sick, the sacrifice has gone from a few minutes to a few hours. Anyone who knows me knows I'm not very lovable when I'm tired. So being a loving support for my daughter is really difficult when she's screaming at me at 3 in the morning. So how do I solve this dilemma?
Well hopefully Adi will be feeling better soon. But thankfully, I have an understanding husband who had been helping out in the mornings. When he and Adi wake up at 7 he changes her diaper, and takes her into the bathroom with him (she plays in the exersaucer while he gets ready) that way I can get an extra hour or so of sleep. It may not be the most efficient method, but right now it makes everyone feel loved.
And really isn't that all that matters when it comes to family?
Monday, August 16, 2010
It's So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday
My GBFF, Devin, leaves tomorrow morning for New York. Devin and I have been inseparably close since we first met at the beginning of College in 2006. He has been my closest friend for the past 4 years (well until my husband came along). He's the Will to my Grace.
And now, he's moving away. Continuing the dream that we had both shared. When I first met Devin we talked about moving to New York after graduation to pursue careers in Magazines. I wanted to work for Vanity Fair, he was going to work for Entertainment Weekly. We could live together and enjoy the awesomeness that is New York: fashion, food, broadway, etc.
But instead, I'm living the suburban housewife life in Chandler, AZ. I love my husband and daughter, and I don't have any regrets about how my life has gone, but part of me does wish I could have spent sometime in New York.
I went out with Devin on Saturday, our last night out together on Mill. It was not just a last hurrah with Devin it was also a last hurrah to my going-out life. I've only been out in Tempe a few nights, something a tad unusual for an ASU student.
I was pregnant on my 21st birthday, and I felt too guilty leaving my daughter to ever go out. This past Saturday was only my third time on Mill. Even so I could tell that it would more than likely be my last, at least for awhile.
Leaving my husband to go out is not something I enjoy doing. And going out to bars and clubs is not something my husband likes doing. Now that I live in Chandler, going out to Tempe or Scottsdale is not only too far a drive it seems a bit immature.
So, this may be more than a goodbye to my best friend, this might also be a final farewell to the old me. Does that mean I'm fully going to transform into the everyday soccer mom? Heck no! But maybe clubbing isn't part of who I am anymore. Maybe it was never part of who I was. Maybe my nights out are meant for something more.
I don't know what that might be, but I'm definitely open to it.
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| Devin and me (8 months pregnant) on my birthday last year. |
But instead, I'm living the suburban housewife life in Chandler, AZ. I love my husband and daughter, and I don't have any regrets about how my life has gone, but part of me does wish I could have spent sometime in New York.
I went out with Devin on Saturday, our last night out together on Mill. It was not just a last hurrah with Devin it was also a last hurrah to my going-out life. I've only been out in Tempe a few nights, something a tad unusual for an ASU student.
I was pregnant on my 21st birthday, and I felt too guilty leaving my daughter to ever go out. This past Saturday was only my third time on Mill. Even so I could tell that it would more than likely be my last, at least for awhile.
Leaving my husband to go out is not something I enjoy doing. And going out to bars and clubs is not something my husband likes doing. Now that I live in Chandler, going out to Tempe or Scottsdale is not only too far a drive it seems a bit immature.
So, this may be more than a goodbye to my best friend, this might also be a final farewell to the old me. Does that mean I'm fully going to transform into the everyday soccer mom? Heck no! But maybe clubbing isn't part of who I am anymore. Maybe it was never part of who I was. Maybe my nights out are meant for something more.
I don't know what that might be, but I'm definitely open to it.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
God Bless the American Housewife
So, I don't think I'm cut out for this housewife thing. I love the mom part of stay-at-home, that's easy. Loving my daughter is simple task. Taking care of her might be difficult but I enjoy it, it's part of why I know I want to become a preschool teacher, I love children especially at this age.
But the other assumed responsibilities of staying at home are starting to get to me. I have never been, nor do I claim to be, a clean person. For anyone who watches Grey's Anatomy I am in many ways Christina Yang. I am a determined, obsessive, competitive, know-it-all slob. I don't really do much other than laundry (which I paid my roommates to do for me the first 2 years I was in college) and load dishes into a dishwasher. But now that I live in a house with my husband and spend most of my days watching reruns of Grey's, certain things are expected.
We just moved into our new home a week and a half ago. There is still a lot of things to unpack and get in order but my energy is so low and my motivation to do housework is so low that I am nowhere near being finished.
My television intake has increased tremendously, it's hard for me to get anything accomplished. Plus chasing my now mobile 10 month old around (she just turned 10 months today) makes it impossible to work while she's awake. And the thin walls make it extremely difficult to work while she's asleep. I can't imagine doing this for the rest of my life.
I can't imagine the women who stay-at-home with multiple children. Just caring for my daughter and trying to actually clean is more exhausting than any of the semesters where I took 21 credit hours. I'm not sure how long this experiment can last. I'm already starting to go crazy.
I'm a social being. I miss people, I miss talking and gossiping, and doing stuff. I talk to my daughter but the conversation is definitely one-sided, I miss interactions. My husband would do a better job at this, he hates having to talk to people. Maybe he should be the one in this experiment. But for now, it's my task, even if it is the hardest task I've ever had to do.
But the other assumed responsibilities of staying at home are starting to get to me. I have never been, nor do I claim to be, a clean person. For anyone who watches Grey's Anatomy I am in many ways Christina Yang. I am a determined, obsessive, competitive, know-it-all slob. I don't really do much other than laundry (which I paid my roommates to do for me the first 2 years I was in college) and load dishes into a dishwasher. But now that I live in a house with my husband and spend most of my days watching reruns of Grey's, certain things are expected.
We just moved into our new home a week and a half ago. There is still a lot of things to unpack and get in order but my energy is so low and my motivation to do housework is so low that I am nowhere near being finished.
My television intake has increased tremendously, it's hard for me to get anything accomplished. Plus chasing my now mobile 10 month old around (she just turned 10 months today) makes it impossible to work while she's awake. And the thin walls make it extremely difficult to work while she's asleep. I can't imagine doing this for the rest of my life.
I can't imagine the women who stay-at-home with multiple children. Just caring for my daughter and trying to actually clean is more exhausting than any of the semesters where I took 21 credit hours. I'm not sure how long this experiment can last. I'm already starting to go crazy.
I'm a social being. I miss people, I miss talking and gossiping, and doing stuff. I talk to my daughter but the conversation is definitely one-sided, I miss interactions. My husband would do a better job at this, he hates having to talk to people. Maybe he should be the one in this experiment. But for now, it's my task, even if it is the hardest task I've ever had to do.
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